Cop Humor

I was skimming through the PoliceOne.com page when I stumbled upon this gem. Now some of the things listed here are mundane, what one might expect to find on such a list, but other items really cut to the heart of who police really are and how they view the world. Frankly, it's not funny at all. Even the little introduction they give is quite disturbing. Have a look...

When do you really know that you are a police officer? Is it when you realize that you find humor in other people’s stupidity? Or is it when you know for certain that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.” Is it when you’ve left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten, or when you come to the knowledge that discussing human dismemberment over a meal is a perfectly normal thing to do? Maybe it’s when you feel good when you hear someone say, “These handcuffs are too tight.” Here are 25 ways you can be pretty reliably sure that you’re really a cop.

Okay, taking humor out of other people's stupidity. I think maybe we all do that from time to time to some degree, but police officers carry themselves as if they know everything, and the rest of the world is inhabited by stupid cavemen. The reality is that while police may know a thing or two about the streets, they are generally low IQ brutes themselves.Which of course bear itself out when bragging about their sadism, taking pleasure in the torture of someone they have detained in handcuffs. So let's see what else gives a cop his jollies...

1.) You have the bladder capacity of five people combined.

Okay, some professions require long hours away from rest facilities. Drivers, guards, paramedics, landscapers for example. Doesn't necessarily make police unique here, but okay.

2.) You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

Yup, that's pretty much a big part of the job. Not exactly funny, but accurate. Bouncers, store detectives, people like that could say the same too.

3.) You believe that 50 percent of people are a waste of good air.

Now this one really cuts to how police see people. Basically they are telling us that they would just assume half the people they come across in a day would just drop dead. In fact, they would even like to help some people drop dead...

4.) Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call.

They actually look forward to the prospect of killing someone. Now I suppose we need people like that to some extent. Firefighters for example, sit around hoping for a fire to break out. Different people have different aptitudes. But taking this item in combination with the rest of a police officer's general nature, we see why too many innocent people are being killed by police these days.

5.) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

Yes, abusing your authority is so commonplace that it's funny. Conducting an unsanctioned investigation for personal use is both unethical and illegal. It sets the stage for blackmail and other exploitative behavior. Not to mention the obvious, being nice to a cop will get you investigated.

6.) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

Yes, make the population chemically catatonic and sterilized. Eugenics was popular under the Nazis too. Park everyone in front of the boob tube where they can drool their life away while destroying all hope for the future.

7.) You disbelieve 90 percent of what you hear and 75 percent of what you see.

Especially if it's in any mainstream media news source... or statements made by police.

8.) You have your weekends off planned for a year.

Life is tough all over pal.

9.) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

Back to the eugenics again. Conform with the herd or we will take your children.

10.) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located.

Meh, common to city dwellers on the go.

11.) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide: Getting it right the first time.”

Promoting suicide. There seems to be a theme here. Maybe police really do want everyone to die.

12.) You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

Anyone who takes calls from the public will have such moments. Doesn't mean we want to kill them though.

13.) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

Most working class people would agree.

14.) You know anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow at least a .15

Unless they are a cop, and they won't have to blow anything.

15.) You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

Not actually paranoia when you're really watching us there Mister Officer.

16.) Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”

Driven By Drug War Incentives, Cops Target Pot Smokers, Brush Off Victims Of Violent Crime

17.) People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places...and you know where it’s located.

Kinda like a cabbie.

18.) You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

Well, to be fair, that does show a level of desensitizing that might be considered alarming by some standards, but I am sure guys who pump out septic tanks all day discuss lunch at work, coroners too, etc.

19.) You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

Don't know many Doctors do you officer?

20.) You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”

Don't piss him off Bill.

21.) You do not see daylight from November until May.

A lot of people work night shifts.

22.) People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original.

Yeah, I could see how that would get old real quick actually.

23.) A week’s worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear.

Yup, uniformed service. Same goes for anyone who is anything from a security guard to a gas station attendant.

24.) You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend.”

Again, police aren't the only people who work odd shifts, all the holidays, weekends. Retail workers never get weekends off.

25.) You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

Blackwater mercenaries do too.

So end all be all here, I really don't find this list in the least bit funny. Some of the entries are no-brainers, while others really expose the fascist, violent mindset of the average cop. Keep that in mind the next time you get stopped, or questioned by a cop. He would probably rather kill you than do anything to help.

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