12.18.2011

BREAKING: Obama Opens Borders For the Holidays!



The White House will announce new “open borders” policy with Mexico and Canada.  ”All are welcome!”
Sources inside the White House say that the Obama Administration is planning on announcing “a new, bold, creative approach” to the border problem with Mexico.  ”We are going to let everyone in that wants to come in.  It’s our little Holiday present to the world,” said a source close to an aide to a White House represenative.
The White House will reportedly keep the borders open for at least sixty days and if the experiment goes well, the President may sign an executive order keeping the borders open indefinitely.
“The U.S. government will save an enormous amount of money when we eliminate the Border Patrol and open the borders.  The Republicans are always wanting to get rid of government agencies and the President finally heard them… He’s getting rid of the Border Patrol, and the border,” a Senior Adviser told WWN.
The source told WWN that the White House asked demographic experts from our nation’s top universities to determine how many people could “comfortably” live in the United States without straining resources.   The experts – from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Notre Dame, Vanderbilt and The Citadel – concluded that the U.S. could accommodate 700 million people right now.  ”But in ten years, with modern housing technology and better distribution of natural resources and food, the U.S. could  handle over 2 billion people.
The Administration feels that an extra 300-400 million people will revive the economy and lift up the housing market.  ”We’re going to need more of everything – houses, roads, schools, offices.  Our economy will be on fire,” said a source in the Administration.
Reports are that the White House will see how many come across the border in the first month and then calculate when the country will hit the 700 million mark.  ”We think it may happen in October 2012, but we are not sure.  But when we hit 700 million, the President plans to shut the border down.  No more will be allowed in – at least until after the election.”
By January, kiosks will open up in Big Bend National Park in Texas allowing people from all across the world to scan their identity documents from their country of origin and just… get busy in America!
The idea has sparked strong opposition from Republicans and even some Democrats.  ”This is insanity!  How can he open the border?  What about terrorism?  Have they gone mad?” said an aide to Speaker of the House John Boehner.
“Republicans are just racists. They only want white people in America,” said a top Democratic consultant.  ”They are going to alienate the new citizens who will be making the long journey to our country.  They need to open their hearts more.”
Canadians were upset that the original plan called for the Feds open the southern U.S. border only.  ”The Canadians whined and complained incessantly.  But since there’s only 34 million Canadians on the planet, the Administration decided to open the northern border as well,” said a source outside the White House.  ”Most Canadians live within 90 miles of the U.S. anyway, so they practically are Americans already.”
There are rumors that the President might go to Texas to open the first border checkpoint personally.  ”It’s going to be a great day for America.  The President wants to open the gates personally.”
Get ready for a flood of new Americans!

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